She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
