hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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