yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize