Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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