Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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