but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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