He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
