just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
