life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize