im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
