Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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