how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
