he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
