You can't special order awesome
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
