just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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