i just wanna soil my oats bro
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We have so much sex to catch up on
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
