I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
