life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
