Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
