She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I forgot wine drunk hurts
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
