We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
