i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
