The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
someone owes me an orgasm
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
