I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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