if i can run in heels then i can drive
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
