I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
