Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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