If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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