do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
