So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
