Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
