why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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