4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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