I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
