Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
