2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We were destined to go to rehab together
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
