I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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