Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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