Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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