There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
