You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
