I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
