Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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