My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
