I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
