just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
