I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
