I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
