Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
