I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
