I hate all girls vehemently.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
