I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
