I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
