That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
