So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
