Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
